A Candidate's Announcement and Hogger Endorsement

By Dave Anderson:

The Newshoggers usually do not endorse candidates.  However, I am making an exception as the Angry Drunk Bureaucrat has recently announced his/her run for office, and I fully stand behind his/her platform, reprinted in full below:

With today's ruling by the Supreme Court, it has now become financially feasible for me to seriously run for public office.

As
you are probably well aware, my aspirations to become a powerful,
feared member of the oligarchic elite have been stymied, partially
because of those pictures of me and John Edwards' mistress, but mostly
because the salary for an unsuccessful candidate is so poor. Indeed, as
I have a wife and three kids to feed, I felt that I could not take the
risk of running for higher office and lose, leaving my family
destitute. We do have need for bare necessities (food, water, cable
modem), and while the children would probably be tasty if they were
slow cooked, I felt that the tradeoff was one I could not make.

Today's
Supreme Court ruling, however, changes the game... and it's now an
opportunity for you, the freedom of speech enabled citizenry, unions,
or corporations to take advantage of me.

First, let me say
that I have principles: valuable, deeply held principles that I will
gladly abandon for cold, hard cash. You want an amendment to stop flag
burning: for $5,000, I can be your candidate. You want to put
electronic monitoring devices on liberals: for $5,000,000 I can be your
candidate. You want to invade countries populated by brown people and
forcibly convert them to Pepsi-Colaism... brother, for a mere
$50,000,000 I can make that happen.

Of course, my real platform if totally up to you.

• For a nice chunk of change I can be against gay marriage, but for a little bit more, I can be for it.


• Don't like stop signs? For a generous contribution, neither do I?


• Think that we need to drill baby seals in ANWR for their oil? A cool million from Exxon-Mobil would make me agree.


• Want to waterboard people in contravention of the Geneva Convention? For a campaign plane, I'll hold the bucket for you.

I
can be a Democrat, a Republican, a Libertarian, a Tea-Bagger, a Trash
Bagger, A Stinking Badger, or anything else your greedy little hands
want me to be.

This is a great opportunity for democracy.
Think of me as your, squishy, pliable, political Gumby whore, willing
to do anything and contort anyway that you want me too.

But wait, there's MORE!

If
you are one of the first 300 contributors, I will give you the
opportunity to actually vote FOR ME. I mean, literally, if you decide
that I'm going to be a congressman, I will let you push the little red
button on the floor of the House for me. You want to have my vote on
Global Warming? Bam! You literally have my vote on global warming.

Hurry though, as there are only so many positions for sale. Contribute now before someone else buys up your democracy!

-O
The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat